The Ordeal
It was March 27th. The
spring’s zephyr finally came to replace the piercing wind of the dreary winter.
Flower stalks began to push through the soil and birds started to sing. But
unfortunately, the warm sunny outside air failed to reach inside the enormous
brick and marble hospital.
In the hospital ward, everyone was
dressed in black, as if a funeral was expected. Old Harry was lying in the bed,
sensing every vulnerable beating of his heart before it could come to a full
stop. His skin was soft and withered, bent into a thousand tiny creases that
clung gently to the bone underneath. Although, his life was slipping away with
each tick at the clock, he was not miserable, yet, contented. The family was
finally united as he had always hoped. Under his sparse eyelashes, his old
brown eyes scrutinized everyone’s countenance for one last time, wishing to
remember them all. The family encircled him tightly and silently accompanied
him through his final moments. They did not cry even though tears had been
gushing to their eyes for a long time. With feeble strength, the corners of his
mouth lifted into the last smile. And froze. The smile disappeared in a sudden
and he could not refrain his eyes from closing… Those eyelids would never
separate from each other again.
Waking up in a frenzy of fear,
Sasha found herself nowhere but on the familiar hard wooden floor beside her
bed. Slowly, she pushed the silk quilt back on to her chaotic bed and stood up.
She felt exhausted, moreover, desperate. She could still feel the remaining
drops of sweat on her forehead as she dragged herself to the nearest mirror and
saw her swollen eyes. Another nightmare. It was another replay of her dearest father
passing away in the hospital.
It had been three months since the
funeral. Ninety days was way to short to erase from her mind the memory of all
the pain she had been going through. Nothing happened in the past three months
was exciting enough to revitalize her. She missed Harry.
After gulping back the third cup of
tea, Sasha made up her mind to visit Harry’s grave in the afternoon. She knew
she wasn’t ready for that, but she just had a strong feeling, which was
unceasingly telling her that her beloved father was waiting to hear her stories
in the past several months, which he had to miss.
A sharp pain swirled
up from Sasha’s heart as she slowly dropped to her knees in front of her
father’s gravestone. She could not refrain the scene happened in the hospital
from coming back to her. She was sad, hopeless, and exhausted.
“Why me? Why did God choose me to
suffer from the grief of losing my father so soon that I hadn't even spent
enough time with him? It’s not fair!” Her own words pinched her heart the way a
tiny stone in a shoe pinches a foot. She was right, it was unfair and there was
no choice involved. Harry couldn't choose to defeat the tumor and his daughter
couldn't choose him to live. God had successfully proved that he decides everyone’s
fate for the millionth time. “He was only sixty. He was too young to lie deep
down there in a claustrophobic casket. He should be fishing, embellishing our
garden, and lying in the sun. He should be with us…” Those grieving thoughts had
her eyes glued on her father’s name, which was neatly curved into the cold
marble. Staring into her own tearful reflection in the marble gravestone, it
was obvious that she was quietly descending into a breakdown.
She continued to assemble the
memories of her father until a preponderant grief was knotting her stomach and
pulling at her heart. Pins and needles ran up the back of her neck and a lump
in her throat threatened to choke her.
She had to leave. She wanted to go
home.
Sasha managed to drive home without
causing any car accidents. Before getting out of her Buick, she dried her
watery eyes and took a deep breath, “No more crying.” she promised herself.
As soon as she unlocked the door,
the overwhelming air of loneliness made her breathless. Apart from the low hum
of the fridge and the occasional moaning of the pipes, the house was quiet.
It was already six-thirty. She was
hungry. When was the last time she had a proper meal? She couldn't bear the
pain of cooking for herself and eating by herself in this cold, empty, and
gloomy living room, where she had celebrated her father’s birthdays, played
chess with her father, and had myriad wonderful memories with him. She grabbed
the last granola bar on the kitchen counter and swallowed it in three bites,
chasing it down with milk straight from carton. Eating became nothing more than
a mandatory task of keeping her alive.
She was tired from all the crying.
Apart from that, she was also exhausted from recalling the unforgettable, yet
heartbreaking recollections of her father. She pulled herself to the bed and snuggled
under the covers. However, guilt had her eyes glued on the ceiling. She could
no longer fall asleep.
It was the first time she ever
visited Harry’s grave since the funeral. She wanted to tell her father
everything, to tell him all the unbearable pain she had to go through because
of his departure. But she couldn't. She couldn't enunciate a single word as she
was crying so hard in front of the grave, where her father lied beneath,
soundless, senseless, and lifeless. That visit only divulged how fragile she
was. Her father must be very disappointed. He wanted to see a tough and
independent woman, not a crying little girl. She felt sorry that she left
without saying goodbye to him. She knew that she eventually had to overcome
herself and get back to a normal life. She should stop missing meals, clean up
her house and garden, and start to hang out with friends. Above all, she must
accept Harry’s death.
The rest of the week flashed in a
blur. She was not yet strong enough to plan another visit to the grave,
although she had lots and lots to share with Harry. Sliding into Harry’s
antique sofa, she once again started to savor all those joyful memories.
Suddenly, a phone call interrupted her from daydreaming.
“Hello. Sasha speaking.” She
answered impatiently.
“Hey! It’s Tina. It’s been a really
long time since we’ve talked last time. Well, I am just wondering if you could
come to my father’s 60th birthday on Saturday.” Tina’s enthusiastic
voice made Sasha sounds even more lackadaisical.
“Um…” Of course, Sasha had no
intention to go. Who would go to a friend’s father’s birthday party when her
own father is still warm in the coffin?
“You should definitely come. I’ve
invited lots of our friends. They are all coming! It’s gonna be fun!” It seemed
like she was not informed the demise of Sasha’s father.
Panic took over. Sasha couldn’t
utter a sound. Her phone was still clutched in her hand, plastic heating in her
grip. It reminded her of Harry’s 60th birthday when they spent the
whole day fishing and chatting. She did not know whether she should go or reject
her friend’s earnest request. On the other hand, she considered that the
birthday party might be a great opportunity to meet all her friends after such
a long while without any phone calls or visits. She really needed to talk to
people after three months of monologue. Moreover, she thought it could be a
chance of helping her getting back to real life from daydreaming.
“Hello?? Are you listening??”
Tina’s worried voice finally dragged Sasha back to their conversation.
“Sorry... Um… Yes! I would love to come.”
Certainly, Tina was delighted by
her response. They continued chatting about how exciting the party was going to
be. However, Tina never knew how difficult it was for Sasha.
The phone call was such a calamity.
It brought all the panic back to Sasha. As soon as she got off the phone, salty
tears tickled down her face and she wrapped her arms around her body to comfort
herself. Soon, she began to cry as hard as she could right after she got off
the phone. Bile rose in her throat and she ran to the bathroom, where she
collapsed to her knees before the toilet. Suddenly, the walls of the washroom
felt like they were closing in on her, heads of sweat formed on her forehead.
She was frail. Maybe the notion of getting over the grief was only a hypothesis,
which would hardly become a fact. All of a sudden, going to the party became an
impossible mission to complete. But she did not want to disappoint her friend,
who still remembered to invite her even though Sasha ignored her for months. After
realizing the pain of losing someone she loved the most, she knew that she could
never afford losing another person she cared about and loved.
* * *
In the Saturday
evening, Sasha stepped out of her house in her favorite dress. She paused, took
a deep breath, and confidently walked towards her car. At this very moment, she
managed to convince herself that she was ready to conquer the “impossible
mission”, embrace a great party, and spend a fulfilling night.
